So, it’s been a while since I’ve had anything interesting to say, but getting this out is going to be the last step to what I need at the end of this heinous “holiday”. Valentine’s Day has never meant much to me, but for the past two years that I’ve “celebrated” single awareness day, it really sucks. I woke up in an awful mood this morning, managed to laugh everything off like I always do, then came home to my empty house feeling really down.
I looked at my box of stupid valentines day cupcakes I bought last Friday (which taste like shit by the way….they’re terrible) and thought “I’m going to sit on my damn couch, turn on Pretty Woman, eat all these cupcakes, and pretend I’m not all alone and miserable.”
Then, I looked at my Pinterest page. I looked at my motivation board. I changed into my shorts, laced up my sneakers, and headed over to the gym. I put my earbuds in, cranked my ipod up, and just sank into the music and ran. I ran hard. I ran until I wasn’t in my own head anymore. I ran so hard I realized it wasn’t sweat pouring down my face, it was tears. I was running so hard I was crying. Not because I was sore. I cried for every time I’d ever had my heart broken. For every boy I thought was worth it that had let me down. For my only relationship I’ve ever had failing miserably. For waking up hating Valentine’s day. For finally realizing the man I love is never going to love me back, and isn’t a man at all. He’s another scared boy who has no idea what I have to offer. I cried for realizing I give all I have to people who understand nothing but how to take. I cried for every time I wanted something to work so bad it made me sick. I cried for all the butterflies, the tears that had already passed, the holiday’s I’ve spent alone, and the boys I’ve watched chasing other girls when I wished they would chase me.
Luckily, I was the only one in the gym, or I would have gotten some strange reactions (not that I would have noticed or cared at that point).
So, here I am. Almost 1 hour and 4 miles later, I ran until Valentine’s day became therapeutic. Until it became the day I let go of all that bottled up emotion that had me tearing myself down constantly. I stretched, I feel good, and now I’m going to take a bubble bath, and maybe sit down to watch Pretty Woman. Not to cry about why I can’t find my Richard Gere, but because everyone should have a good cry then watch a love story to put a smile on their face.
That box of cupcakes and a box of tissues: $7.00, 550 calories, and nausea.
Running: free, -400 calories, and getting a free therapy session for an hour (and becoming a big girl and realizing healthier ways to deal with my feelings)
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone
I started my year off strangely well, and realized how much I hate “New Years Resolutions”. I’m pretty sure mine for the past however many years have been “lose weight” “fall in love” or something along these lines. I spent new years eve with great friends, got my new years kiss from someone I have a very difficult relationship with to say the least, and got to spend the rest of my time home with some great friends [and received some boss christmas gifts from jordan and kyle <3]. So, I started seeing everyone posting their resolutions on facebook, and thought about what I want for myself for this year. Therefore, I figured I would share my innermost wants for 2012 with Tumblr. And rename them.
New Years Resolutions Tentative Countdown of Awesome Shit I Plan to Start in 2012
3. Save money to travel
Ever since a very special person came into my family’s life, I have wanted to travel. She’s from England, and has been all over the place, and I envy her more than I can stand. I finally decided on my ultimate gift to myself for my college graduation: 1-2 weeks in Ireland. And now I officially have someone who is seriously interested in going with me that I would absolutely trust traveling to another continent with. The only issue with this-I want to go in about 2 and a half years, I’m going to need to save approximately $5,000. So, thats like, $170 a month. I love my job, but being paid 8.50 an hour to work 15 hours a week, and still needing to pay my bills, get gas to get to work, and go to the store so I dont starve, this might be an issue. But, I’m not going to think about how hard it is, and start looking at what I don’t need to buy so I can put money away towards something that is going to be absolutely life-changing and amazing for ME. I want to see the world, and this is step one.
2. Open up
While college has helped me to evolve into somewhat of a “social butterfly”-well, not exactly a butterfly, more of a social moth I suppose…. I’m not all the way there yet- I decided to do something COMPLETELY different from the way I was in high school. Yep, I signed up for Spring Formal Recruitment. Starting February 15th, I will be going through the sorority process. Now, in high school, hanging out with 4 groups of lots of girls who are looking you over and picking you apart to see if you’re good enough to fit in with them would have terrified me. But, after moving 115 miles from my life, my friends, ultimately my world, I need to get out of my comfort zone and my shell. So, I’m really looking forward to this. It’s going to be a great experience to meet new people, get involved around school, and really find out more about who I am and who I want to be. Meeting new people is always scary, especially girl to girl, but my amazing friends have helped me to see that I’m pretty awesome, and more people should get to see that.
1. Let Go and Just Be Happy
Alright. This is numero uno on my list because it is going to be the most difficult thing for me to do. I started yesterday with the “let go” part. I took off the ring my ex gave me for our first Christmas together that I have worn every day for the past 5 years. As big of a part of my life that was, I’m ready to let go and “Open Up” (yeah, I guess these kinda all feed off of each other) to something new. I’m finally comfortable and happy being by myself. I don’t want to be the cat lady forever alone or anything-not that I dont love cats, they’re totally boss-but I’m learning to love me. I don’t need anything to hold me back from my future, and the only reason I still wore it is because I was afraid there would never be anything to replace it. But, newsflash to myself-I dont need a replacement to be happy. So, I let go of the only relationship I have ever had that was absolutely poisonous to me and my relationships with other people. And let me just say-I feel really good about it. When I get nervous and try to adjust it I realize it isn’t on my finger, and I’m okay with that.
Another thing I need to try to let go of: My negative image of myself. Like I said in my rant about the gym, my body image has been something I’ve always struggled with. Being taller than every boy in your class and built like a real woman when everyone around you is stick thin makes middle and high school a little ridiculous. But, with the new year I’m eating better, working out every day, and even helping my friends work out so we all feel better about us. I feel better already, but I still have a lot of work to do. A lot of this negative image came from my ex, so hopefully now that I’ve let him go I can try to work on letting go of all the bad things he put into my head about not being good enough and never finding anyone, blablabla.
So, overall, I don’t want to “lose 30 pounds” this year. I don’t want to “fall in love” and find the love of my life. I don’t want to “quit _________”.
I just want to be happy. Every day, find something that makes me smile. I want this year to be the start of me being emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy and strong. I want to continue to be supportive of my friends and family and have them be supportive of me and my decisions. I want to be happy being me. 4 days down, forever to go <3
Alright. I suppose Tumblr is just going to be my source to talk about all the shit that freaks me out or pisses me off. So, this is a rant about my afternoon at the gym.
Getting in shape has been the hardest thing I have ever wanted to do for myself. I’m not perfect, I don’t want to be, but I want to be a better me. No biggie, right? So, I forced myself to go to the most terrifying place in the world for a self conscious out of shape bitch like myself. The gym. Luckily, there is a gym right across the parking lot in my apartment complex.
Because really, if you go to the college gym you first have to walk in past all the little skinny bitches and tools who work there who you KNOW are judging the absofuckinglute shit out of you, when really? Sorry im not sorry I actually enjoy my food and wasn’t born to be 5’2 and 100 pounds. THEN it’s packed as shit inside so not only are you about to vom because someone on the treadmill next to you forgot deodorant, but everyone is looking to see how fast you’re going, how many miles you’ve done, how bad your fat ass is sweating because you’re about to die. So, as I said, luckily I can go to the gym here. 24 hours, I have a code, I can walk it out whenever the fuck I feel like it without all the barbies and kens judging.
So, today, on this fine December afternoon, I decide to go jog it out because it’s been a few days since I’d been, figuring, its fucking 11:30, no one is at the gym, everyone’s at work, right?
Wrong. I walk in and two dudes are working out, which is fine, I’m not as self conscious since I met the fucking 65 year old who WHOOPS MY ASS on the treadmill every fucking time we’re there together. -Side note- let’s talk about this guy for a minute. I walk into my gym for the first time, its like, 9pm. I thought old people went to bed at like 6. Whatevs, I’ll be an old lady working out too. So, I decide to get on the elliptical, this dude is STEADY like 6.5 mph running it out, sweatband on his head and everything. I get on the treadmill, crank it up to warm up, then start jogging. Keep in mind, dude is STILL RUNNING. I run at 6 mph for approximately…..75 seconds. So, I take my defeat to this Bionic Subject and have officially become comfortable. -Okay-. So, I’m on the treadmill, running it out, and dudes are kinda creepin. First of all, I’m not one of those bitches that straightens my hair and puts makeup on to go to the gym. Thats just fucking stupid. I’ll post a picture after this. So, I figure they’re just trying to see if they’ve seen me before, I’m a little fish in a big pond, or apartment complex, whatever. Not so much.
So, my issue is that girls can’t just go work out without some guy staring them down. Now, it sounds like I stare down Bionic Man [henceforth this will be how I refer to older treadmill beast], but really, I’m in awe of his intense fitness. He doesn’t phase me much anymore, because my goal is to outrun this fucker if it kills me. But when you go somewhere and your intent is to sweat and almost die and not really give two fucks what you look like, it’s a bit discomforting to be stared at. I would feel a lot better if dudes would just talk to me.
“Hey, hows it going?” or even “Hey girl, good thing you’re getting that ass in shape”. Really, just say something. Don’t look at me and think “oh, since I’m not talking she doesn’t realize I’m checking what she’s doing” I’M THE ONLY OTHER PERSON IN HERE.
Gah. Okay. So, a note to the ladies at the gym-if some guy is creeping on you, throw out some absurd lewd commentary. Dish it out to him and let me know how it goes. I’d like to test this out.
Jordan, I told you I would post this before, but I hadn’t built up enough irritation.
Now, on a positive note, my mile time has been cut down 2 minutes, and I’ve officially lost 20 pounds. I’m a happy girl. I’m 6’1, 157 pounds and I’m not afraid to share it. Bring on bathing suit season motherfuckers.
I suppose my first real post is going to be a Christmas rant. It’s after Christmas, but I decide to text a few friends and ask how their day went since I didnt see them. My least favorite response in this situation is “it sucked” or “I didnt get what I really wanted”.
…fucking really? I guess it’s just living away from home for the first time ever, but I was damn excited to just go home for the weekend and see a few friends and spend time with my family. I never knew how much I appreciate just sitting on the couch playing video games with my dad, or hanging out with a great friend eating chips and salsa and watching Spongebob. Thats the shit Christmas is about. Not getting an ipad and fucking shit tons of shit. Granted, I did get some really nice things for Christmas. I appreciate them beyond belief, but that’s not what I’m basing my weekend on.
This time of year makes me miss home more than ever, and all the unappreciative shits out there still living at home who fail to appreciate that and how much easier it makes life really piss me off. I got to hang out with my family then drive 115 miles back to a house that needs to be cleaned, laundry that needs to be done, and a job that I spend most of my time at. People these days are baffling.